BEING A GIRL

he pulls my body by the hand
down a trail in a wood
through a dark, quiet, lonely
maze of urgent negotiation
and promises that will not be kept

I argue stopping
going back
but he persists
he insists

finally my body is yanked
right off of my resisting soul
and dragged away
she just goes with him
awestruck at his attention
and hollow flattery
leaving me behind

at the end of the trail
the objections eluded
he throws her down
he’s on her
he’s in her
and I am watching
from afar
all alone
as my foolish flesh is used

I want to feel those pleasures
some comforting connection
in this lonely, scary wood
the closeness
touching, sharing secrets
I want to moan and move
like a song
I want to experience that
it must be deliriously good

but I’m alone in the wood
    detached
    ditched
    watching
    and numb
if I were headless
he would not complain
he’s fucking hollow flesh

there’s no poetry in
how this makes me feel

I would give anything
to not be so
   empty
    alone
    irrelevant
    replaceable
I would be his slave
a constant nymphomaniac
his every motion would be
    orgasmic
    bliss!
    wet dreams
    joyfully 
    eagerly
    urgently
    reciprocated!

if only it were about 
   me
if he just made me feel
like I matter
like if it were anybody else
it would’t be exactly 
    the same

“This is how it is,”
my grandmother says,
suddenly standing beside my soul
in that dark and lonely wood
“when you choose a man
with your eyes
and not your spirit.”

“This is how it is,”
she tells me,
“when you let your flesh
be yanked right off your soul.”

I see now
there's a reason
he left the soul behind
he did not need it
he didn’t even know it was there
how could he ever love
parts thrown down and used?

I see now
he is also hollow, 
    empty,
    irrelevant, 
    replaceable
a soulless shell fucking a soulless shell

I see it now
how ugly it all is
how blind my flesh has been
and foolish as a child
seeing glorious beauty
in an empty husk
throwing herself at a pretty box
with no treasure inside

it’s over quickly
he’s done
my flesh is
discarded like a dirty rag

when he’s gone
I move back up to that body
I’m on her
I’m in her
And I make promises
that will actually be kept